Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Last post I mentioned my bucket list that I've been working on. I'm still continuing to work on that. This list is not the kind of list you finish at once. There will always be something else to add and as I cross things off, I'll add more. Or things can be taken off the list. There were a few things that I wrote down in my first flurry of writing that I later took off. I'm not terribly surprised by that. I tend to get caught up in the moment and then regret things later. But then again who doesn't? ;-P

I am having difficulties with my list though. Of the more than thirty things on my list there are only seven that I could even possibly do while in college. And of those seven, four of them would take more time than I have to commit. To be honest this is almost more frustrating to me than not having had a list. To know what I want to do and then not be able to do it is enough to drive anyone crazy.

I'm struggling with an intense desire to drop out of school. I enjoy it. I like my classes. I like learning. I like studying even. But I want to go and do and be. And I can't do that while in college. So I find myself once again chaffing to escape. I'm afraid this is a constant theme with me. My mind is always running at least one step ahead of where I am right now.

I'm determined not to let this get to me though. I'm trying to stay positive and do what I can when I can, even if it's not on my 'list'. One of the things I've always been ashamed of is that I can't do pushups. Not even one. I can do the baby pushups where you're on your knees. But the real pushups where you're on your toes? I've never done a single one in my entire life. Therefore I have decided that it is high time for me to develop the strength to accomplish this. I did baby pushups all last week. That one week was enough to make me realize that this goal may take longer than I anticipated.

At the moment I'm not sharing this goal with Justin. It's easier to keep it to myself for now. That way if I don't ever finish I'm not disappointing anyone but myself. Besides I'm hoping to impress him sometime soon with my mad skills. Maybe I'll be able to do more than him! Lol. Probably not but a girl can hope, right?

I really am trying to take things slowly. But I'm so impatient! My mind is full of a million little things that I've been wanting to do. And it seems like it would be easy enough to do at the same time. Except it wouldn't and I know myself well enough to know that I can't start ten new projects at once. I'll never finish them. I have to take things one at a time. So while I'm trying to take things one at a time, my mind is busily trying to decide what to do next. Some thing's never change.

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