Last post I mentioned my bucket list that I've been working on. I'm still continuing to work on that. This list is not the kind of list you finish at once. There will always be something else to add and as I cross things off, I'll add more. Or things can be taken off the list. There were a few things that I wrote down in my first flurry of writing that I later took off. I'm not terribly surprised by that. I tend to get caught up in the moment and then regret things later. But then again who doesn't? ;-P

I am having difficulties with my list though. Of the more than thirty things on my list there are only seven that I could even possibly do while in college. And of those seven, four of them would take more time than I have to commit. To be honest this is almost more frustrating to me than not having had a list. To know what I want to do and then not be able to do it is enough to drive anyone crazy.

I'm struggling with an intense desire to drop out of school. I enjoy it. I like my classes. I like learning. I like studying even. But I want to go and do and be. And I can't do that while in college. So I find myself once again chaffing to escape. I'm afraid this is a constant theme with me. My mind is always running at least one step ahead of where I am right now.

I'm determined not to let this get to me though. I'm trying to stay positive and do what I can when I can, even if it's not on my 'list'. One of the things I've always been ashamed of is that I can't do pushups. Not even one. I can do the baby pushups where you're on your knees. But the real pushups where you're on your toes? I've never done a single one in my entire life. Therefore I have decided that it is high time for me to develop the strength to accomplish this. I did baby pushups all last week. That one week was enough to make me realize that this goal may take longer than I anticipated.

At the moment I'm not sharing this goal with Justin. It's easier to keep it to myself for now. That way if I don't ever finish I'm not disappointing anyone but myself. Besides I'm hoping to impress him sometime soon with my mad skills. Maybe I'll be able to do more than him! Lol. Probably not but a girl can hope, right?

I really am trying to take things slowly. But I'm so impatient! My mind is full of a million little things that I've been wanting to do. And it seems like it would be easy enough to do at the same time. Except it wouldn't and I know myself well enough to know that I can't start ten new projects at once. I'll never finish them. I have to take things one at a time. So while I'm trying to take things one at a time, my mind is busily trying to decide what to do next. Some thing's never change.

This past week has been very mentally busy for me. Justin and I decided a few weeks ago to delay going to New Zealand for a while. This was a hard decision but we both felt like it was the right one to make so we forged ahead. We have been taking a financial class and working on getting our finances in order. We've done a good job of staying out of debt throughout our short marriage but have not been saving like we prefer/know we should be.

While we had decided that we weren't going to go to New Zealand anytime soon we had not made any further plans. After talking some on Monday we decided to get serious about paying off my school loans and not amassing any more. We have not had a chance to sit down and evaluate our budget but are planning on doing that as soon as possible.

These conversations have intrigued me and I find myself busily thinking and thinking and thinking about where we are in life and what we're doing. What I came to realize is that on the issue of money, and admittedly in other matters of life as well, we are acting inconsistently with our personalities.

Justin and I are planners. We like to know what is going on, when it is, where it is, who is going to be there and how their background checks out! Okay, maybe not that last one, but we like to be organized. We sit down once a week, look at our schedule for that week and plan out every breakfast, lunch, supper and snack. That same day we write a shopping list, go to the grocery store and we're done. That's it. No more thought, no more worrying.

That's not to say that things don't get rearranged sometimes. Or that if a better option is presented we don't sometimes throw our plan to the wind. We do. We change things and adapt. But the important thing is that we sit down together, make a plan, and then stick to it until something causes us to reevaluate it.

With money however, we are not doing this. We decided in fall of 2009 that we wanted to go to New Zealand in December of 2010. By February 2010 the only step we had taken toward that goal was to get my passport. We had not done much planning. We had not saved any money. We had not bought plane tickets. We were not prepared. But more importantly than that, we had no plan.

When we decided not to go to New Zealand yet, I was so relieved. Until then I hadn't realized that being able to get ourselves planned, and funded, and there, had been a concern of mine. So I wasn't at all upset that we decided to wait. But then came a period of several weeks where we didn't know what we were going to do. When we decided that we were going to seriously start to pay off our debt that was another big wave of relief for me.

These two decisions have brought me back again to where we are and what we're doing. This week I began to really think about what it was that I feel is important. What do I really want to do in life? What are my goals? My dreams? The biggest question in my mind was, Do I even have any dreams? In light of this I concern, I began a bucket list.

Definition: 1. Bucket List: A list of things to do before you die. Comes from the term "kicked the bucket".

As strange as it might sound, for all my love of lists for anything and everything, I had never started a list of this nature. I had never seriously sat down and thought about what I wanted out of life. When I initially began the list I thought that it would be short. Only a few things. My list now contains more than thirty things!

But all this thinking and writing has brought me around to the same question. Why have Justin and I never sat down, set a goal, make a plan and followed that plan until it either reaches its goal or is changed? Why have we acted so contrary to our natures and just gone with things willy-nilly?

What I've come to see is that the answer to this question isn't really what's important. It doesn't matter why we did what we did. What matters is whether we're going to continue down our same path or if we're going to stop now and make a change. I am excited to get to have this conversation with Justin. I'm excited to have this opportunity to plan and pursue a course of action that will allow me to cross some things off my bucket list. I am excited for life!

My running career is currently on hold. I found a plan that I like pretty well. I think it'll start off at a good level for me and it seems to have pretty steady increases. I'm looking forward to starting it. My delay however is caused by a nasty collection of things. For one, it's disgusting weather in Ft. Wayne right now. It's cold and dry and it hurts to breathe. We also currently have about nine inches of snow. I know this may not seem like alot so some of you but to me, it's alot. I grew up further south where the most we ever got was three inches and it was melted in two days. Having eight inches of snow fall and then stay for more than a week is a novel event in my life.

The second issue is that we're just so darn busy at the moment. We're in a monday night class at church and have IV on Thursday nights. Tuesday and Wednesday evenings are filled with things around the house and trips to the grocery store. While I know on one level I still have plenty of time to start running it's just so inconvenient. To get myself loaded up, to the gym, work out and get back home takes twice as long as I would like to spend running. So pretty much until it gets warmer and this class at church ends (eight weeks!!), it ain't happening. I guess I'll just have to wait for spring until I can lose my shoes and start running :-)

My research continues. I'm trying to find myself a good beginning running plan. I'm trying to find one that will help me ease my way into running. While I'm in pretty good shape, I have next to no stamina. So the chances of me getting up right this minute and running a 5K are not good. I'm really wanting to work on that though.

I've also been researching our gym's policy on shoes. Justin says that he thinks you're required to wear them and he's probably right. That doesn't keep me from hoping he's wrong though. I haven't found anything yet that says. I've looked online on our website and there's not a list of regulations posted. I'll keep my eyes open the next time we're in the gym for our normal workout. I'm hoping that I don't seem any signs about wearing shoes posted up. I don't remember seeing any. But I don't usually notice things like that. So that might not mean anything at all.

Justin seems reluctant to begin running with me. He says that he will but I think he'd prefer to just stick to his elliptical machine. I suppose I can see that. But it's pretty boring for me. All you do is go and go and go all in one place. There's no variety. I'd like to be able to get out and go places. We'll see how he does with it. Maybe he'll love it. But I have a feeling I'd better get used to running on my own.

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I hate mornings like this.

I've decided that I want to learn how to run. Yes, technically I know how to run. I mean I'm not completely incompetent. But I mean really run. Like one of those crazy people that you see out in freezing weather running as if their life depended on it. And even better I want to do it barefoot. I know that sounds like a terrible idea. Like it would hurt and destroy your feet but I want to try it. I've just begun to do research so I've got a bit more to do. I'm hoping to start running in the next few weeks. We'll see how it goes. Until then I'll just look around online some more and see what I can find.